So what have I been up to?

Did I ever get Cassie back?

I suppose that is the first bit that needs to be addressed as, for the most part, it encompasses the bulk of entries on this blog, some of which have been archived for some time. For those of you who followed the story of drama, heartache and insanity of Cassie and I, well, I apologize for keeping the next chapter so long from you. I suppose it’s sort of like that wait between The Wastelands and Wizard and Glass if you read the Dark Tower series. I hope you will be happy to hear that we turned out alright in the end, or rather, the beginning. We started dating again sometime last October I suppose and things were really rocky at best. Couples really don’t stay together as much as they once did these days and the few who reconcile after a hard breakup usually don’t last. You still find yourself caught up in the old habits that made things fail to begin with, the old wounds are too fresh. Sooner or later they open up and once again you’re breaking up, this time for good – you finally realize that it’s for the best. This time there’s no crying, no scraping through the abyss of your own insanity trying to firgure out where you went wrong – you realize sometimes things just don’t work out. But Ghost/Ashe, you say, I thought this was a happy ending? WTF?

It is – a very happy ending. You see, Cassie and I did go through that, we did come to that point again and we did in fact break up again. It just didn’t work. We just aren’t very good at breaking up, you see. We’re actually great at being together – she understands me as much as anyone could hope to, I understand her as well as anyone. That’s not the point or the lesson, if there is one – the point is that we keep understanding. Things weren’t working, so we changed. Gods know I changed a lot last year, possibly more than I had in all the years prior since I was young.

I’m 30 now by the way – no I don’t feel that much older. I felt older and got into one of those elegiac moods that were completely inappropriate for my age every year probably since 16, but I did not feel old a week ago when I hit 30. I felt damn good. I won’t ramble on much more for now, but I’ll leave you with this: I broke the curse. For the first time since I was a much younger man I have not had a bad summer – it’s just the same as any other time of the year. In retrospect, there was probably never a curse to begin with.

I was outside a minute ago, about the fourth time I’ve gotten out of bed, failing miserably once more to stop the ol’ ADD mind from waxing chaotic – Anglo-Saxon poetry, Atlas Shrugged, Music Theory, hyperfocus. I’m in a unique part of Denton where, while still well inside the city limits, I can see the stars quite well on certain nights when things are right. There, if I’m not mistaken, was Cassie (not the usual one I blather on about, but Cassiopeia) – timeless above, rocking in the heavens, laughing at me for not paying attention as it were.

There’s this thing with ADHD, one of the prime symptoms as noted by the venerated holy bible of psychology, the DSM, they call hyperfocus. It’s the reason people with ADHD often nonetheless seem to be able to accomplish things – sometimes to amazing degrees of precision. It’s a mental state where only one concept exists and you, for a moment in time, be it days or hours, are able to grasp a thought, idea or concept and analyze or consider it to a level of concentration reserved appropriately for a feverish madness. It’s really a lot of how I wrote seven13 and the Cycle of Existence: I could tear part of the rules apart in a night, actually considering the depths of where the rules would reach, and come up with something that really worked. I could finish a book without being distracted in hours.

The problem is this is a double-edged sword, and it’s just as sharp on the other end. When you worry in hyperfocus, when you get locked into a loop of insecurity or fear or self-doubt or anything of the sort you are apt to focus on it to the same degree – to hold with every inch of thought – everthing returns to it. The problem there particularly lies in the fact that often, in such situations, things are not so straightforward, and so you can easily wind up in a loop, or perhaps a spiral. This is one of those things I do a lot – more than I probably know, actually.

One researcher suggested that this was a key factor in the idea that ADHD is actually a symptom of something relating to evolution, a hunter trait. The theory is that, long ago, there were hunters and farmers – we needed people who could go in for the kill, stalk, become consumed with absolute purpose; hyperfocus. Though, as the world became smaller and mercantile pursuits overtook such needs, the farmers prospered and the hunters were no longer needed. The mind meant to be designed to the concept of hunting, combat and other such endeavors was no longer needed or particularly wanted, and those who happen to wind up with such thinking patterns are apt to go awry when the mind is not provided the need for such direction. That’s the gist as I understand it – I haven’t read the books or anything and I don’t plan to at the moment – I’m done with psych books aside from my college classes for a good long while, I think. It’s a theory – it has a lot of holes and it’s not hard science, but it does make a bit of sense.

There was a time, I think, when I used to write on here and have something to say, or at least I thought I did. Now I generally ramble here and there, provide a window into my world at a moment’s time, and return to the Ether for a while. I should write more on here I suppose and perhaps I will, but for now I suppose it’s time to try and sleep again.

This came out of my head:

No real mastering was done to this, so you might need to turn it up a bit to hear it. Take of it what you will, I don’t really know what it’s supposed to convey, but it’s real complicated…

My brother Steve and I have always been big fans of the saying “people never really change” – the who tiger don’t change his stripes bit, you see. I think there is some validity to this – we learn and perhaps choose to alter our behaviors, but there is something to be said for the nature of who we might be. The thing is a lot of us may never figure that out. I spent a lot of my life thinking I really knew a lot of that, only to find recently that I really didn’t know that much at all. So, over the past few months I’ve been going through quite a bit of change in behaviors, but also attempting to return to the knowledge of who I might really be. There’s a bit of evidence on here and none of this probably would have begun actually if I hadn’t come to a very clear view of who I was certainly not.

So now, with months of intense introspection, consideration and study I’m coming closer than I have been since about three years or so ago when a fiery young girl walked into my life at around two in the morning on a summer night. I was close then, but not near where I am today – and there is still very far to go. Of course, this is easy to nod along with – knowing who you are really is a trick question – it changes over time. At the same time however, a lot of this is behaviors we develop – some going back to far, so deep that looking in them is looking into Nietzche’s Abyss – the terror is often when it really is yourself you see staring back. There’s a line from Oh, the Places You’ll Go! That has some of the greatest relevance to life I’ve ever known – well that’s the whole book – but it goes like this:

“I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.”

That’s where it stops for a lot of people and that’s where it stopped for me in a lot of ways a very long time ago; longer by far than the first years I read that book to my own son before my daughter was yet born. There’s a lot of differences in perception that come with it, but there is more peace, particularly for the mind – which is something generally unknown to someone like me. There can be peace even in a mind such as mine, but the peace comes in moving within the chaos and laughing with it, rather than becoming lost and wondering why you just can’t do things normal people can do – I can do them, and more likely, just not in the same way. I used to look at the end of a day, knowing I wouldn’t be sleeping much, and wonder where the hell it went, why I didn’t get anything done, why I didn’t spend the time with the kids I wanted, why the woman I loved and I argued about something rediculously petty, because if we didn’t we might have said nothing at all. Everyday I still think about a lot of things I did not complete and laugh at the fact that many of them I may likely never complete – but I told my kids how happy they make me and how much I love them – I read to them, I accomplished many simple tasks I never could get myself credit for before and moved forward. I learned, about myself, about others, about music, about life, about love. All of these things I did in a day, all with a mind that spent the whole day running a thousand thoughts a second.

There’s a very good chance I may never sleep regularly, but the few hours I sleep are well enough. While there are ups and downs, there is a harmony in the chaos I live with, past and present, and the future seems less of a worry than it once did. I think I’ll end there before I elaborate and repeat myself further

I haven’t written on here in some time, since I started thinking a lot about things and really began to make the deeper changes in life. There’s a lot of it I can’t easily describe and won’t go into – it has a lot to do with figuring out how to learn to live without some of my weaker points that I’m finally getting to the bottom of. All the same, in an empty house everyday it gets a bit hard sometimes. I read a lot, for school or otherwise – I’ve learned probably 20 or 30 new songs recently. Sometimes I go out. I write in this thing I call my “Crazy Book” – it’s a journal sort of thing that I write down all the nasty thoughts that get into my head abotu myself or stuff with Cassie or my finances or life in general, so that I can look it over later, reflect and pick out the relations and triggers and all that. When I have it sitting in front of me after the fact, it really shows just how ridiculous I can get over-analyzing stuff. It’s actually been really positive.

I swapped the Adderall for Vyvanse – this newer amphetamine pill for ADHD that doesn’t kick or crash as hard and, thus far, I’m pretty impressed. We’ll see how it handles the test of school.

I suppose that’s an update. Perhaps I’ll come by here with a rant sometime soon, but my recent life has been humbling to a great degree, I’ve found there is a lot that I thought I really knew that I didn’t know that much about at all, so it’s been a reflective time I suppose. Whether I may be a bit melancholy today, I’m not in a real dark place or anything, I’m just here. Hope all of you are well.

For those of you who are in the area, I’m playing a show on Saturday (June 21st) – opening at Bone Doggie’s Uptown Saturday Night at Banter just off the square here in Denton. I should be on stage from around 8pm until 8:45 or so, after which there will be a lot more good acts and then some blues jamming at the end of the night. I’ve got a hell of a lot of good songs this time, so drop by.

One of the nastiest of these is that of the negative focus. It’s the reason why I over-analyze everything, which is a double-edged sword. There is a good side to all of this. I can think around corners and see things in ways other people just never think of, but introspectively I’m some kind of masochist. Probably the most terrible realization, for me anyways, is that as much as I swear against excuses, blaming and leaning on some kind of label and everything, I can’t deny an overwhelming amount of evidence that there is something wrong in the old noggin’ – maybe a few things. Coming from my perspective, it’s a hell of a realization and there are a lot of things in life that go along with it – perhaps it’s as weighty as giving into the fact that two people may not actually be made for each other, the realization I had to give up the fight with when Misty and I split. Perhaps I may one day even admit that sometimes that’s just the way things are, but I’m not quite there yet. Really all-in-all, I may seem to know a lot, but I probably have about as many answers as you do. One of the kickers I researched and had to face as well is that most of us ADHD folks really aren’t that good at self-observation. I may be better than most, but there is a lot I really never see. I’m trying these days to work a lot on it.

My folks were in town this weekend and took the kids these last two nights, both of which I spent up on the square picking away on the guitar with folks – something I definitely needed. Coming back home alone still eats me a bit, but I’ll survive and all that. There’s a lot of uncertainty these days, something I suppose I’m used to, but not really in this sort of way. I sit on the roof a lot and think these days – a nice perk of having the house. Other than that I have school, books, music and the kids – pretty much my life these days, not at all that disagreeable.

It’s been a while since I really wrote something on here that was a life opinion or rant or anything of that sort. Not today though – those things take more time than I have. The kids will be out this weekend. I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. I have all the yard work that needs done and I could continue reading Atlas Shrugged. I don’t really see myself getting out and running around, but probably will anyway.
I’d easily settle for sitting around catching up on lost or something – I haven’t watched in a long time. I dunno, perhaps I’ll write a little bit, maybe I’ll even post something up here worth the reading

Until then, math.

I first heard this track on MTV. By then MTV was already making its segway from being a music station, but they played the video for this song as an exclusive, so I saw it before it even hit the radio – it was an odd promotional thing. I thought it was a hell of a catchy tune at the time and went out to pickup the album, which really I could never get into and I don’t imagien others could either. The thing is, I once listened to this song for three days straight and never got tired of it. There is something reflective about the simplicity of it, the constant looped beat, the subtle bass and keys, just all around it works. The tone of the lyrics make the song amazing and the lyrics make so little sense they’re almost a kind of koan. Eventually at every hard point in my life I have cranked this song up because it destroys bad thoughts with me – I can’t obsess when it’s on in a bad way. All the same, I can always listen to it without it trudging up bad memories. It’s like the antithesis of “Something I Can Never Have” by Nine Inch Nails. You’ve probably heard this one, but I’m putting it up anyway. You should listen to it again. I’m wishy washy with music, I change favorites here and there, but if I had to choose only one song that if I heard music on any player would be the only one it would be this one. I suppose that possibly makes it my favorite song of all time.

If you wonder – the sample is B.B. King, from the song “How Blue Can You Get.” Also a great.

Lyrics:

Jan lays down and wrestles in her sleep
Moonlight spills on comic books
And superstars in magazines
An old friend calls and tells us where to meet
Her plane takes off from Baltimore
And touches down on Bourbon Street

We sit outside and argue all night long
About a god we’ve never seen
But never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Theresa’s joined the mob
And happy with her full time job

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do what prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

A life is time, they teach you growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves but don’t ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself in zebra flesh

I’ve been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met

On a side note – if you want a way to get single songs easily, check out Songbird – it’s kind of an open source itunes with one major feature – it’s search will hit and allow you to download search results from music blogs and the like. It’s a great way to collect one-hit-wonders.

Lyrics

Its enigma amazes me.