Monthly Archive for May, 2008

Waking Up

There’s something to be said for the amount of change in my life this year so far. Starting medication for the ADHD, being in a new house, losing my job, Cassie leaving, getting back into college, burying that stuff in the backyard. It’s a lot for anyone I suppose. Probably the greatest bit I’ve been going through though for a while now, that I generally don’t talk a lot about is sort of waking up to the whole ADHD thing. I’ve been reading more about it, stuff that I probably should have a read a year ago and it’s pretty staggering. I was aware for a while about how much it can affect things, but I never really got into what they call the secondary symptoms or whatnot of it.

One of the nastiest of these is that of the negative focus. It’s the reason why I over-analyze everything, which is a double-edged sword. There is a good side to all of this. I can think around corners and see things in ways other people just never think of, but introspectively I’m some kind of masochist. Probably the most terrible realization, for me anyways, is that as much as I swear against excuses, blaming and leaning on some kind of label and everything, I can’t deny an overwhelming amount of evidence that there is something wrong in the old noggin’ – maybe a few things. Coming from my perspective, it’s a hell of a realization and there are a lot of things in life that go along with it – perhaps it’s as weighty as giving into the fact that two people may not actually be made for each other, the realization I had to give up the fight with when Misty and I split. Perhaps I may one day even admit that sometimes that’s just the way things are, but I’m not quite there yet. Really all-in-all, I may seem to know a lot, but I probably have about as many answers as you do. One of the kickers I researched and had to face as well is that most of us ADHD folks really aren’t that good at self-observation. I may be better than most, but there is a lot I really never see. I’m trying these days to work a lot on it.

My folks were in town this weekend and took the kids these last two nights, both of which I spent up on the square picking away on the guitar with folks – something I definitely needed. Coming back home alone still eats me a bit, but I’ll survive and all that. There’s a lot of uncertainty these days, something I suppose I’m used to, but not really in this sort of way. I sit on the roof a lot and think these days – a nice perk of having the house. Other than that I have school, books, music and the kids – pretty much my life these days, not at all that disagreeable.

Update

So I’m about a half hour early for my Probability & Statistics class this morning, sitting in an empty room listening to old jazz tunes on my headphones in the dull gray of what might actually be rain sometime today. Probably not the best day to ride a bike to class, but all the same not terrible either – no sun in the eyes for one thing. I get here early pretty often, and sit for a good while at the computer listening to music while students start to shuffle in here and there in clumps. Probability and Statistics is a grind – not easy stuff, but all the same this is the last math class I have to take. After this it’s history and economics for the rest of the summer. Live slows down here and there and feels somewhat different in general – it’s a strange bit not wondering what I’m going to run for game on the weekend or what to write for the system. As a matter of fact, I haven’t even thought of it until this morning. Life plays some strange changes sometimes.

It’s been a while since I really wrote something on here that was a life opinion or rant or anything of that sort. Not today though – those things take more time than I have. The kids will be out this weekend. I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. I have all the yard work that needs done and I could continue reading Atlas Shrugged. I don’t really see myself getting out and running around, but probably will anyway.
I’d easily settle for sitting around catching up on lost or something – I haven’t watched in a long time. I dunno, perhaps I’ll write a little bit, maybe I’ll even post something up here worth the reading ;)

Until then, math.