Faded at 3am

I should be asleep – I have to be up in a few hours.

I was outside a minute ago, about the fourth time I’ve gotten out of bed, failing miserably once more to stop the ol’ ADD mind from waxing chaotic – Anglo-Saxon poetry, Atlas Shrugged, Music Theory, hyperfocus. I’m in a unique part of Denton where, while still well inside the city limits, I can see the stars quite well on certain nights when things are right. There, if I’m not mistaken, was Cassie (not the usual one I blather on about, but Cassiopeia) – timeless above, rocking in the heavens, laughing at me for not paying attention as it were.

There’s this thing with ADHD, one of the prime symptoms as noted by the venerated holy bible of psychology, the DSM, they call hyperfocus. It’s the reason people with ADHD often nonetheless seem to be able to accomplish things – sometimes to amazing degrees of precision. It’s a mental state where only one concept exists and you, for a moment in time, be it days or hours, are able to grasp a thought, idea or concept and analyze or consider it to a level of concentration reserved appropriately for a feverish madness. It’s really a lot of how I wrote seven13 and the Cycle of Existence: I could tear part of the rules apart in a night, actually considering the depths of where the rules would reach, and come up with something that really worked. I could finish a book without being distracted in hours.

The problem is this is a double-edged sword, and it’s just as sharp on the other end. When you worry in hyperfocus, when you get locked into a loop of insecurity or fear or self-doubt or anything of the sort you are apt to focus on it to the same degree – to hold with every inch of thought – everthing returns to it. The problem there particularly lies in the fact that often, in such situations, things are not so straightforward, and so you can easily wind up in a loop, or perhaps a spiral. This is one of those things I do a lot – more than I probably know, actually.

One researcher suggested that this was a key factor in the idea that ADHD is actually a symptom of something relating to evolution, a hunter trait. The theory is that, long ago, there were hunters and farmers – we needed people who could go in for the kill, stalk, become consumed with absolute purpose; hyperfocus. Though, as the world became smaller and mercantile pursuits overtook such needs, the farmers prospered and the hunters were no longer needed. The mind meant to be designed to the concept of hunting, combat and other such endeavors was no longer needed or particularly wanted, and those who happen to wind up with such thinking patterns are apt to go awry when the mind is not provided the need for such direction. That’s the gist as I understand it – I haven’t read the books or anything and I don’t plan to at the moment – I’m done with psych books aside from my college classes for a good long while, I think. It’s a theory – it has a lot of holes and it’s not hard science, but it does make a bit of sense.

There was a time, I think, when I used to write on here and have something to say, or at least I thought I did. Now I generally ramble here and there, provide a window into my world at a moment’s time, and return to the Ether for a while. I should write more on here I suppose and perhaps I will, but for now I suppose it’s time to try and sleep again.