There’s something to be said for the amount of change in my life this year so far. Starting medication for the ADHD, being in a new house, losing my job, Cassie leaving, getting back into college, burying that stuff in the backyard. It’s a lot for anyone I suppose. Probably the greatest bit I’ve been going through though for a while now, that I generally don’t talk a lot about is sort of waking up to the whole ADHD thing. I’ve been reading more about it, stuff that I probably should have a read a year ago and it’s pretty staggering. I was aware for a while about how much it can affect things, but I never really got into what they call the secondary symptoms or whatnot of it.
One of the nastiest of these is that of the negative focus. It’s the reason why I over-analyze everything, which is a double-edged sword. There is a good side to all of this. I can think around corners and see things in ways other people just never think of, but introspectively I’m some kind of masochist. Probably the most terrible realization, for me anyways, is that as much as I swear against excuses, blaming and leaning on some kind of label and everything, I can’t deny an overwhelming amount of evidence that there is something wrong in the old noggin’ – maybe a few things. Coming from my perspective, it’s a hell of a realization and there are a lot of things in life that go along with it – perhaps it’s as weighty as giving into the fact that two people may not actually be made for each other, the realization I had to give up the fight with when Misty and I split. Perhaps I may one day even admit that sometimes that’s just the way things are, but I’m not quite there yet. Really all-in-all, I may seem to know a lot, but I probably have about as many answers as you do. One of the kickers I researched and had to face as well is that most of us ADHD folks really aren’t that good at self-observation. I may be better than most, but there is a lot I really never see. I’m trying these days to work a lot on it.
My folks were in town this weekend and took the kids these last two nights, both of which I spent up on the square picking away on the guitar with folks – something I definitely needed. Coming back home alone still eats me a bit, but I’ll survive and all that. There’s a lot of uncertainty these days, something I suppose I’m used to, but not really in this sort of way. I sit on the roof a lot and think these days – a nice perk of having the house. Other than that I have school, books, music and the kids – pretty much my life these days, not at all that disagreeable.
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