It’s a Dream Theater song, by that way, off Images & Words.
Well really I haven’t been used to having a spring break – I’ve been working or whatnot so many years that I think I sort of forget about it. With the kids out of town all week and no current steady work though, it was a little daunting. I mean, it’s probably not the best point in my life to have a whole lot of extra free time, but then again that’s the way it goes isn’t it? I went from a really positive weak to a lot of frustration to a decent end.
Thursday I went up to Banter to play open mic, which I haven’t done in forever. A lot of people there still remember me, and Bone Doggy’s running the set now so it’s pretty cool. I played Spooky by teh Classics IV and American Pie, because Doggy wouldn’t have let me leave otherwise. It was about the best crowd I’d ever had for that song, there wasn’t a person in the building that wasn’t at least singing the chorus. Had a few drinks, came home and had a few more and wound up pretty lit, which was odd – I haven’t been drunk in a really long time. Alecia came by to get her battery and we sat around talking for a bit, which was cool and (I’d wager) a bit entertaining for her. Friday I went out Garage sale shopping for gardening/lawn stuff. It’s funny how hard it used to be for me to motivate myself to clean my apartment, but how easy it is to keep my house up. By the time Felix showed up I had a 2 1/2 ft. whole dug in the yard fixing the sprinkler system. He thought it amusing. The night wound up just being a guy’s night sort of thing, after an hour or so I finally had to admit that I was too off to run game, not to mention that game has been on lag recently. Stuart and Mike stayed around a while, we all drank a few beers, they headed out and Felix and I swapped stories into the night. He told me the full story about his split with Steph and I told him the whole bit about Cassie and I. I broke my streak and smoke a couple of cigarettes. I spent the day today trimming hedges, installing soaker hoses and sanding my rocking chair – a long project ahead to re-finish the thing and weatherproof it. It’s funny how things move in life – this is probably the most I’ll be freed up for a good long while – so I spent a lot of it fixing things about the house barring taking the time to hang out with my bro. I can definitely call that pretty decent, all things together. I sat out on a chair on the front porch bent over my rocker with sandpaper while NPR broadcast A Prairie Home Companion on my son’s stereo, which shifted to short stories. It’s one of those things I never thought I’d be doing at 28, and certainly not while planning on going back to school. I guess it’s why I never worry too much about where I’m going – I’m getting there, after all. I’ve been around long enough to see people freak out left and right at all manner of ages about where their lives are headed. I think in the end we all find out that we just don’t know, but we’re getting there. I’m not even remotely content all the time, I’ve been a lot of upset and pissed off in the last few days about my last relationship. It’s a lot to explain and I don’t think I’m going to lay it all out anymore. I’m all for honesty and I’m generally an open book, but a lot of times I wind up doing all the telling, which generally leads to not finding much out. At any rate, I have other channels for it. Suffice to say that it’s been a week up and down, with appropriate balance within the chaos and all that. The gods, they provide, the world turns, we wonder a lot, often to our detriment and come to the same answers: we don’t know.
That’s the end all of it folks, you’ll never know. You have what you have and you plan as best you can, but you’ll never figure it out. It’s alright though, It’ll work out. Now, for most of you, you’ll never figure this out. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but I can’t even put it into words, so I can’t explain it well. There’s a balance (ooh, surprise) that has to be maintained between planning and rolling with it. I think if you just try to be day-to-day and just roll you wind up tossed too much, and if you play your stone-set ideas get eroded away by the waves. We’re all just sailing the crests and troughs, wondering when the storm will let up and hoping that, when it does, we don’t wind up in stagnant seas. Inevitably we’ll get hit with both, but both will eventually pass. It’s easy to talk about, but when the swells become mountains, the winds tear and the waters swallow you at every turn its the end for certain; when the waters turn to solid glass and the sun bakes you to the core it’s forever. Sometimes when you’ve been tossed and burned enough, walking on land becomes disorienting, stability frightening – it doesn’t move. We never know – we wish for the calm in the storm, the storm in the calm, the waves on land. In the end I think we really just want someone else in the boat.
The kids will be back tomorrow and it’ll be back to getting up in time to get them to school; back to the routine. Time occupied and thus less spent wondering about the wrong things. I’ll keep sanding the chair, then I’ll re-stain it and coat it. I’ll clean the house and teach the kids things. I’ll practice scales and sight reading, I’ll read poetry this week I think, because I haven’t in a long time. The wave will hit and calm down, then back again. It’s a stormy outlook, but there are a lot of points where the light cracks through. I’m laying it on too thick. Ah well, in the writing game, you win some, you lose some as well.
When once again I see the sea, will the sea have seen or not seen me?
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